Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
