I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
being pregnant is like rehab
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
