I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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