OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Two words: nipple clamps
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