Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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