he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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