i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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