so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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