my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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