i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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