Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dick very happy bro
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
