Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
