just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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