So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
