Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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