Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
