she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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