I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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