i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
