Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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