dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
