If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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