I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
