Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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