I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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