I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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