I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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