Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Randomize
