Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
