I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
