Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
