I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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