You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
