the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
