I want you more than these girls want KFC
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Less talking, more tequila
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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