You're a womanizer and a bitch.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
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