On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
