Can i not drive my cunt home
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
