My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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