Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
