i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
