just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
