I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
