He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
