....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
