His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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