The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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