put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
In America we eat man semen.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
