You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
