I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm having to shit out rocks
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