just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
