can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
