im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
